"What has 4 months in Africa done to your marriage?" - Clay Smith

Scott and I have a weekly Skype session with our pastor Clay Smith from Alice Drive Baptist in Sumter, SC.  Clay is who Scott and I report to and he is not only a friend, a great boss and leader, but he is also an incredible spiritual advisor.  I am so grateful we have Clay as a sounding board and guide.  This past week Clay ended our Skype session with an assignment.  He asked both of us to think about what 4 months in Africa has done to our marriage.  Wow - Thanks Clay!!! He always challenges us to learn, to grow, and to lead.  He also challenges us personally to care for ourselves, our marriage, and our family.  When Clay asked us to think about the effect on our marriage I immediately responded with, "well I haven't killed him yet."

My good friend Becky had recently asked me how it was to always be together?  You know, Scott not having a 7:00 -5:30 job to go to everyday.  I told Becky and shared with Clay that being in a foreign country and basically only having each other, I was actually enjoying having Scott around.  I know people who really struggle with all of a sudden having their husband at home.  I think if we still lived in SC my story might be different.  I might see him as "cramping my style".  In SC I would have to share my friend time, my phone time and my running around time and I'm not so sure I would have liked that too much.  But because we are in Botswana and we only have each other I like having Scott to spend my days with.  We spend time reading, planning, praying, and preparing. We usually go to meetings together.  We lead training sessions together. We even run errands together. Now I'm not the only one who goes to the grocery store or picks up the kids. We work together to make things happen.  It's kind of a nice balance in the family.  I think it has been harder on Scott.  Going from a "same time everyday" kind of routine to one that is more flexible is strange for him.  I sense his need to be doing something or going somewhere.  It is hard for him to sit, prepare and plan for later.

Four months in Africa has brought new meaning to the "leave and cleave" verses in the Bible.  Looking back over the almost 21years of our marriage I realize I didn't embrace the "leave and cleave".  I wanted to have it all. I never planned on leaving anything I loved and I wanted to be cleaving to my moma and daddy, my sisters, my friends and to Scott (sometimes in that order too).  I wanted to be married but I wanted to have life as I had always known it.   I remember those early years of marriage.  As soon as Scott headed out of town on business I headed out of town to stay with my family. We lived in Johnsonville, SC the first year of our marriage.  I clearly remember telling him that I was moving home.  I told him that He could either find a job in or near Aiken and move with me or we could have a long distance relationship.  I certainly didn't put him first.  I put my desires ahead of his.  I had no idea how to follow and therefore never let him lead our family or our decisions.  I'm so grateful for the tender way God worked in my life to change me.  By His grace, He didn't just call me from Aiken (my hometown) to Botswana.  I love how He moved us first to Sumter and let me come to realize that I could live away from my family and friends. I love how He showed me through the lives of our friends that life in a foreign country is "doable".  I love how He gave me time to change and grow.  I have never felt "snatched" around by God.

So now it's very different, very different in a right way.  This didn't just happen because of 4 months in Africa.  This has been a journey.  But I can say today that By the Grace of God, I am letting Scott lead. I am following his decisions.  I am waiting on him to choose and decide.  I can certainly see how God is using this call to Botswana and these 4 months to make many changes in us.  By leaving everything and everybody we knew and loved we are now cleaving.  It's not all "bliss".  There are those days when I look at him and think "What in the world have I done following you all the way around the world?"  But I have complete peace knowing that this right where God wants us to be.  And I am happy to be married to a man that loves Jesus with all of Heart and is willing to sacrifice everything for HIM!!

These 4 months have also revealed a lot about our personalities and I see so much of how we complement each other. God said in His Word that our spouse is our "helpmate".  I see us living this out  more than ever before.  Scott is very much the relational, talking, people person in our family.  I am the planner, organizer, and preparer.  Seeing these gifts working together through our ministry is really neat.  I see how God made us a team to accomplish His plan and purpose in Children's ministry in Botswana.

So Clay my answer to your assignment would be that 4 months in Africa has had a "God" (aka. good) impact on our marriage. (Now ask me in 6 months and my answer might be different). But our God is ever changing us into His likeness.  He is grooming us with His grace.  I am very grateful to be sharing this journey with my helpmate, friend, and man!!!   I love you Scott!!!   ~ Tonya